The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize