i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
