I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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