How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
