Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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