So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize