idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
