I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize