Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
