i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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