he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
