Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You are a genius and a whore.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
