you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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