I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
