Why does Corona taste like a burp?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
