is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
