I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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