hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
