i already hear my dad disowning me
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Randomize