I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
