Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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