somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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