I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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