It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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