WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
