bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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