If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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