apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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