I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
