for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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