He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
