I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
