My room smells like vodka and shame
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize