I will die if light touches me.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
