Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
