Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
