he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
