I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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