I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
