i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
