I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
