I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
