Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
