take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
