I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
