I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
