went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
