just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
