so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
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