dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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