I got chris browned last night
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
