Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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