My hand turned me down
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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