my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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