i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Dignity is for republicans.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
